End of the Semester Insomnia Rambling Thoughts

grad“In truth,

who we are is fiercer than anything we know.”

~ Nancy Collier

The good thing is this – it’s only four times a year or so. I’ve been through much worse… I’ve struggled with insomnia – really scary amounts of it at a few points in time, for around 14 years now. Before that it was the “normal” kind. Worried about a test, up all night with the baby, excited to marry the man of my dreams…. But – by and large, I’ve got routines and interventions in place that have these all nighters narrowed down to four times a year or so. And the great thing is – it’s not really any longer a gigantic big deal.

It’s kind of like going to the dentist. It’s a little bit like getting ready for a birthday party.

It sometimes reminds me of childbirth.

It’s no worse than waiting on an oil change.

It’s like meeting a new gynecologist for the first time and finding out that he is old, ugly and short.

Oh well. C’est la vie, right?

No – these quarterly lay awake all night episodes have a scientific link – it happens with every season change. Go ahead and roll your eyes if you need to about Seasonal Affective Disorder. It’s a thing. It’s on my chart and lands me a half-dozen or so check ups a year to be sure that my GrandPlansToSleep a solid 8 most nights of the year has fallen off course.

And, yes – it’s all in my head.

Which happens to contain my brain.

Which creates (and doesn’t create) chemicals that lead to a decent day after day and night after night… Yet….in the end….my hope is this: I never want a Dark Night of the Soul episode…ever…again. Literally. I can’t control that I suppose, but I dread the idea that the night may become my enemy at some point again. Night is for sleep. I’d rather wrestle demons in the day time, thank you very much. long range kitchen color plan So…last night I never did fall asleep.

I tried every single trick, of which I have honed to approximately a dozen. No luck. Oh well. Instead, I got sleepy watching “Madmen” for the first time with the volume too low to hear and my glasses off. (trick #8) Oh my goodness – that looks like an awesome series. Note to self.

And then, I got sleepy enough that my muscles started to twitch and my mind settled while listening to Kate Rusby on Pandora. (trick #2) No luck. She broke out into a fiddle reel and I got wound up about needing a passport if I’m ever going to Ireland.

So, I broke my CardinalRule of stay horizontal until 5 a.m. and brewed some coffee at 4:00. But…. at those several points when I tried to pray (trick #1, #7 & #12) they all kept landing back on hearing words like “you deserve this” and “don’t give up” and “just keep moving.” Motivational poster sayings. I HATE motivational poster sayings. So I became annoyed and woke right back up…

What brought me peace and lead to the decision to break my lay still until 5 a.m. rule was that for just a moment – I had a teeny, tiny little moment of: “you are enough.”

My nanosecond of real calm doesn’t change the fact that I have a crap pile of life to untangle…but for a moment as I was en route to dozing to a Celtic tune – I let myself be strong. So, if you too are experiencing your quarterly Spring to Summer Serotonin Spiritual Review – feel free to skip straight to giving yourself an A+ and consider this quote by Nancy Collier. I feel pretty certain that she is a Deaf woman who I quoted in a paper…she could also be someone else – it’s a sticky note quote on my desk that I just noticed…maybe she is Kate Rusby’s lead fiddle player, and is blind…who knows. At any rate…

“In truth,

who we are is


than anything we know.”

~ Nancy Collier

Funny Things that I’ve Heard from Nine Year Olds This Week


It is like, SO, spring here in the Midwest dude…beautiful to see, but always makes me, yawn, tired.

Okay…here are some funny quotes that I’ve heard from nine-year olds this week, mostly on the theme of boy vs. girl.

man/boy/baseball chatter chatter….then…

“…and the thing is that I think it’s not fair that Disney only makes girly movies because, boys are half the world’s population!”

on Justin Bieber and a Twitter thing this week where he is apparently trying to gain the nickname “Bielieber”…

“Me??? Heck no I’m not a belieber…” yada chat, chat…looks in mirror at fresh crew cut…

“yeah, he is ONLY popular from the second grade on down because he so medialicious” (which is not a good thing…I think, though that sounds like a good milkshake title to me)…

More chatter about something or another that is, sports vs. not sports and women/girls vs. men/boys….(I was trying to look like I was still listening, but was really trying to remember if I had turned on the crock pot)…which ended up in a comment or question related to girls or women and our


The funniest chuckle was at Great Clips where a family with a grandpa, dad, boy, and girl were getting hair cuts for dad and boy. Grandpa and girl (looked 9 to me) were chatting and she was doing some prancing in the lobby, not to get attention, but because it is spring.

When the brother, (12 or so), came back and took her phone, etc as older sibs do, she completely owned him and the rest of the fam by just TOUCHING his head and saying

“hmm. well YOU are all wrinkly now.”

Sometimes texture just rules, you know?